The title of this post was introduced to me by my cousin and wise friend Daflew many years ago, and the phrase really resonated with me. I used it for years as my email sig. Lately, I've been rediscovering how significant it applies to my life.
Like lots of people, I have struggled to find my purpose. I have tried many paths. I have done well on many, and failed or given up on others. Some I have never explored as much as I'd like. Yet I have never truly excelled at any of them, and it's because I have held myself back. Why that could be is a topic for a whole other post. Mostly, I think for me that it's because I always thought to myself, "I'll get back to it some day," or "Someday, after (fill-in-the-blank benchmark event), I'm going to (fill-in-the-blank dream or goal)."
Well, I think I'm hitting my fill-in-the-blank benchmark.
I often find myself detached from my surroundings, lost in the noise inside my head. My mind is constantly racing about any number of things at any given moment. Sometimes I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing but am neglecting, or rehashing a lost opportunity and how I should have acted. Sometimes I'm ticking off the list of chores or errands I have to do, or berating myself for some kind of failure. Sometimes I'm running lines in my head, or thinking about how tomorrow, next summer, next year, and the rest of my life are going to play out. Sometimes I think about which of my dreams are realistic and achievable, and which ones I should abandon. I regularly feel paralyzed about my future, and I blame my past.
Sometimes the noise in my head is so loud it's an audible buzz, and I know that I regularly have a far-off, distant look in my eyes and on my face, even if I'm supposed be engaged in conversation. Please don't take it personally. I just have a lot on my mind all the time.
So, I'm fortunate to have a circle of friends and activities that are a constant reminder to be present. I've said many times that one is never so present than being on stage, in front of an audience. Going to rehearsal and concentrating on my craft helps me practice the art of focus. Having meaningful, connecting moments with my friends is amazingly grounding for me. Being in a loving relationship with someone who not only provides support but also requires it from me makes me feel needed and important. I find extreme solace and grounding in nature and with animals. And now, knowing that I don't have much time left with my mother is helping me to forgive the past and appreciate the now, as well as re-assess my dreams for my future.
I've long held the perception (and I don't think I'm alone here) that we slow down as we grow older; that we're more patient & tolerant, and able to take life with greater stride, and are perhaps less affected by difficult times because with age and experience comes wisdom.
While this perception is not wholly inaccurate, it is incomplete. Our bodies may slow down. The variety and number of activities we participate in may become fewer, and we may respond to things with greater insight and perspective than in our rash and exuberant youth.
But as our time grows shorter in this life and we become more acutely aware of this fact, our emotions may become even more intense, our passion stronger, and our motivation can generate a renewed and invigorated sense of energy, and optimistic outlook on the future. I think the main reason our elders seem slower is that they've learned to become more present. They're less caught up in the past or the future, and simply appreciative of the moment. But the intensity of feelings seems to grow, not lessen. Perhaps most importantly, the truly wise ones never stop learning from any of it.
