Heal the Past, Live the Present, Dream the Future

The title of this post was introduced to me by my cousin and wise friend Daflew many years ago, and the phrase really resonated with me. I used it for years as my email sig. Lately, I've been rediscovering how significant it applies to my life.

Like lots of people, I have struggled to find my purpose. I have tried many paths. I have done well on many, and failed or given up on others. Some I have never explored as much as I'd like. Yet I have never truly excelled at any of them, and it's because I have held myself back. Why that could be is a topic for a whole other post. Mostly, I think for me that it's because I always thought to myself, "I'll get back to it some day," or "Someday, after (fill-in-the-blank benchmark event), I'm going to (fill-in-the-blank dream or goal)."

Well, I think I'm hitting my fill-in-the-blank benchmark.

I often find myself detached from my surroundings, lost in the noise inside my head. My mind is constantly racing about any number of things at any given moment. Sometimes I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing but am neglecting, or rehashing a lost opportunity and how I should have acted. Sometimes I'm ticking off the list of chores or errands I have to do, or berating myself for some kind of failure. Sometimes I'm running lines in my head, or thinking about how tomorrow, next summer, next year, and the rest of my life are going to play out. Sometimes I think about which of my dreams are realistic and achievable, and which ones I should abandon. I regularly feel paralyzed about my future, and I blame my past.

Sometimes the noise in my head is so loud it's an audible buzz, and I know that I regularly have a far-off, distant look in my eyes and on my face, even if I'm supposed be engaged in conversation. Please don't take it personally. I just have a lot on my mind all the time.

So, I'm fortunate to have a circle of friends and activities that are a constant reminder to be present. I've said many times that one is never so present than being on stage, in front of an audience. Going to rehearsal and concentrating on my craft helps me practice the art of focus. Having meaningful, connecting moments with my friends is amazingly grounding for me. Being in a loving relationship with someone who not only provides support but also requires it from me makes me feel needed and important. I find extreme solace and grounding in nature and with animals. And now, knowing that I don't have much time left with my mother is helping me to forgive the past and appreciate the now, as well as re-assess my dreams for my future.

I've long held the perception (and I don't think I'm alone here) that we slow down as we grow older; that we're more patient & tolerant, and able to take life with greater stride, and are perhaps less affected by difficult times because with age and experience comes wisdom.

While this perception is not wholly inaccurate, it is incomplete. Our bodies may slow down. The variety and number of activities we participate in may become fewer, and we may respond to things with greater insight and perspective than in our rash and exuberant youth.

But as our time grows shorter in this life and we become more acutely aware of this fact, our emotions may become even more intense, our passion stronger, and our motivation can generate a renewed and invigorated sense of energy, and optimistic outlook on the future. I think the main reason our elders seem slower is that they've learned to become more present. They're less caught up in the past or the future, and simply appreciative of the moment. But the intensity of feelings seems to grow, not lessen. Perhaps most importantly, the truly wise ones never stop learning from any of it.

You gotta fight for your right to party...or just to breathe.

It's a shitty week for the Garrettson boys...and their mother.

DISCLAIMER: This post will most likely be something of a Downer. Sorry about that, but life isn't always sparkle ponies & ice cream.

Prior to starting this blog, I posted a Note on Facebook a few weeks ago about receiving the news that my mom has lung cancer. This is in addition to her existing health problems (short-term memory loss and nerve damage to her hands & lower legs that cause her a great deal of discomfort).

At that time, she was scheduled for a series of tests to determine if she's healthy enough to withstand surgery that would remove the lower (3rd) node of her right lung that currently contains an 8cm mass.

Well, here we are, back from visiting the thoracic & lung surgeon with her test results. The answer was No, she can NOT have surgery at this time. She has diminished capacity in oxygenating her blood as well as removing CO2. On top of that, she's overweight, smokes almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day, and has an enlarged right ventricle that is dilated, which means she's not pumping enough blood to her lungs for re-oxygenation. The good news is that her left side of her heart works fine; she's able to pump plenty of oxygenated blood to her body, if she could oxygenate it properly. But if she DID have the surgery now she might as well get an oxygen bottle grafted to her back while she's at it, because she'll be breathing through a tube for the rest of her days.

So, the recommended course of action is to put her on an aggressive program of chemo and radiation therapy for 6-8 weeks. In the mean time, she has to reduce and eventually stop smoking, and begin exercising daily to strengthen her heart and increase her lung capacity, and lose some weight. 2 weeks after the completion of the radiation & chemo treatments, they'll do another image of the tumor and see how it's responding, as well as re-evaluate her condition for the possibility of surgery.

The bitch of it is that while she's going through all this treatment and it's kicking her ass for the next 2 months, making her sick and fatigued as chemo is known to do, she's also going to have to exercise daily and cut her smoking down. As it is right now, she takes a 2 hour nap every day, and must sleep with her head elevated. She's constantly complaining about her feet and hands, because she doesn't remember that she has a problem, and doesn't seem to have the will to fight through any kind of pain or discomfort. Therefore, she doesn't have much inclination to exercise because it hurts and she's tired. She can't even walk 100 feet without becoming fatigued and wobbly on her feet, due to her neuropathy. My mom is in for an uphill battle, and I'm not sure she has the desire to fight it, let do it all while undergoing treatment.

Today we made some first steps. She agreed to reduce her smoking to 1 cigarette per hour. For the next 5 days she is supposed to spend 5 minutes on her exercise bike twice per day without stopping, and walk as far as she can down the block, with the goal of making it to the corner, and eventually around the whole block. The doctor was talking about getting to the point where she can walk a mile in 30 minutes. Today she made it about 70 feet from her front door, not quite halfway to the corner, and that brought her to tears when we got back inside. So, we'll see if we can get her to the corner first. After 5 days, we'll increase her time on the bike and space her cigarettes father apart. She's supposed to increase her walking to her own comfort level. I wrote out a schedule for the next 2 weeks, and will assess her progress and adjust accordingly. To start, I just want her to develop these new habits, and gradually increase the exercise and reduce the smoking. I have no illusions about her quitting smoking altogether right away, or walking a mile in 30 minutes inside the next 2 months like the doctor said. But I'll help her do as much as she can and try to keep her motivated & positive. That's about all I can do. The rest is up to her.

Oh, and my brother has to put is dog to sleep this weekend.

But it's still a beautiful spring day today, and I got to go for a walk with my mom in the sun. So that's good.