Heal the Past, Live the Present, Dream the Future

The title of this post was introduced to me by my cousin and wise friend Daflew many years ago, and the phrase really resonated with me. I used it for years as my email sig. Lately, I've been rediscovering how significant it applies to my life.

Like lots of people, I have struggled to find my purpose. I have tried many paths. I have done well on many, and failed or given up on others. Some I have never explored as much as I'd like. Yet I have never truly excelled at any of them, and it's because I have held myself back. Why that could be is a topic for a whole other post. Mostly, I think for me that it's because I always thought to myself, "I'll get back to it some day," or "Someday, after (fill-in-the-blank benchmark event), I'm going to (fill-in-the-blank dream or goal)."

Well, I think I'm hitting my fill-in-the-blank benchmark.

I often find myself detached from my surroundings, lost in the noise inside my head. My mind is constantly racing about any number of things at any given moment. Sometimes I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing but am neglecting, or rehashing a lost opportunity and how I should have acted. Sometimes I'm ticking off the list of chores or errands I have to do, or berating myself for some kind of failure. Sometimes I'm running lines in my head, or thinking about how tomorrow, next summer, next year, and the rest of my life are going to play out. Sometimes I think about which of my dreams are realistic and achievable, and which ones I should abandon. I regularly feel paralyzed about my future, and I blame my past.

Sometimes the noise in my head is so loud it's an audible buzz, and I know that I regularly have a far-off, distant look in my eyes and on my face, even if I'm supposed be engaged in conversation. Please don't take it personally. I just have a lot on my mind all the time.

So, I'm fortunate to have a circle of friends and activities that are a constant reminder to be present. I've said many times that one is never so present than being on stage, in front of an audience. Going to rehearsal and concentrating on my craft helps me practice the art of focus. Having meaningful, connecting moments with my friends is amazingly grounding for me. Being in a loving relationship with someone who not only provides support but also requires it from me makes me feel needed and important. I find extreme solace and grounding in nature and with animals. And now, knowing that I don't have much time left with my mother is helping me to forgive the past and appreciate the now, as well as re-assess my dreams for my future.

I've long held the perception (and I don't think I'm alone here) that we slow down as we grow older; that we're more patient & tolerant, and able to take life with greater stride, and are perhaps less affected by difficult times because with age and experience comes wisdom.

While this perception is not wholly inaccurate, it is incomplete. Our bodies may slow down. The variety and number of activities we participate in may become fewer, and we may respond to things with greater insight and perspective than in our rash and exuberant youth.

But as our time grows shorter in this life and we become more acutely aware of this fact, our emotions may become even more intense, our passion stronger, and our motivation can generate a renewed and invigorated sense of energy, and optimistic outlook on the future. I think the main reason our elders seem slower is that they've learned to become more present. They're less caught up in the past or the future, and simply appreciative of the moment. But the intensity of feelings seems to grow, not lessen. Perhaps most importantly, the truly wise ones never stop learning from any of it.

It turned out to be a 2.6 mile day, but a really nice one.

So, what happened with my audition today, you ask?

Well, it went. It went about like most other auditions: fast, over before you know it. I felt I did fine. I checked in, chatted with a couple other actors while I waited to be called, slated, did a take, took some direction, and did a 2nd take. And that was it. Over in about 20 minutes, with less than a minute in front of the camera.

Oh, but you want more details, don't you? A cursory narrative like that must be disappointing. Okay.

The role is for a blue collar Boston thug. He and his 2 buddies beat someone with baseball bats. His line is "Hey!" then he swings the bat at the guy, knocking him down. He hits him with the bat twice more, then kicks him a couple times, then steps back while his pals keep working him over, giving each a look of approval.

So, that's what I did. Twice. We'll see what happens.

I discovered that I was confused about which project I was being called in for, though. I thought it was the OTHER big Hollywood shoot going on here in Portland. But it wasn't. I was auditioning for an episode of Leverage, the Timothy Hutton TV series shooting here right now. The Untitled Crowley Project, with Harrison Ford & Brendan Fraser, is already cast (I found that out, too). Oh well.

We'll see what happens. If I don't get a call by Tuesday, I'll consider it a no, and move on.

Was I more nervous than usual? No, actually less so, even though this was perhaps the most high-profile role I've ever been up for, in terms of largest potential audience. I got a shit-ton of support from you people and I deeply, genuinely thank you ever so much for that (a shit ton is equal to approximately 2800 pounds, or 1.4 standard tons; in other words, a lot).

Did it feel life changing? Not particularly. But what was sweet was that since I was consciously present, and doing what I love to do, I was in a really great fucking mood. I was really at peace, which was a great relief considering how stressed I've been constantly for the last 4 years over job/money issues. That felt great.

So, I got home, ate, and then got bored while Julie took a nap. So, I put my laptop in a knapsack and went for a walk. This is actually one of the more incredible moments today, since this is something I almost never do, but should, and would love to. In fact, it's reminded me that I don't go backpacking nearly as often considering how much I love it, so if anyone wants to plan an overnighter some weekend this spring, let's do it.

There's a trail head near our apartment to the Maquam Trails behind OHSU. I took a trail I've been eying for a while now, and it was, not easy, but not as hard as I thought, either. 1.3 miles of nothing but elevation change. Yes, the climb back up was a bitch, but I only had to stop for a rest once. And I wrote most of this while I was at the bottom, at Maquam Shelter. It's a rough trail; no bikes allowed, with lots of switch-backs, running water, mud, rocks and very uneven. But here I am, surrounded by green forest and in the heart of the city. God, I love Portland. So, now I can chalk up making another First Step in a series of Many First Steps I'm trying to make to create the changes in my life I want. One was to start this blog. Another was to start exercising. Now that I know I can walk to the bottom of that hill and back, write a couple paragraphs, and be done in about an hour, I'm going to do it regularly. And Many First Steps may be the right name for this blog instead of Faces of Drew. Maybe I'll take a poll.

Tomorrow night we're going to see the play currently running at Sandy Actor's Theatre, Murder on the Rerun, which is fabulous. (Bev, you should join us). We'll be out at the theater all day anyway because in the afternoon is our 1st rehearsal for Dirty Work at the Crossroads, the play Julie and I have been practicing lines for. I'm really excited about that because there are only so many 1st rehearsals in your life. Plus, I get to do what I do: Put on a show.

Now if I can just get my Aflac on, or find a normal job...Anyone want to have coffee and hear about Aflac? Please?